Jenna 12 yrs old

Jenna 12 yrs old

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

The Emotions

There have been so many different emotions...the ups, the downs, the happy ones and the sad ones.  When I sit and really think about the "emotions" it brings a smile to my face, but it also brings tears to my eyes.  I have to believe that God has a plan for me and my family.  When I was growning up I would think about how my life would be.  I always knew that I wanted to be a Mother.  We all know that there is no such thing as the  "perfect" I just wanted a happy life.  Don't get me wrong I am happy in my life and there is nothing that makes me happier than my children, but I never knew the road I would travel would be such a hard road.  When I pictured myself as a Mother I saw the mini van, the dance classes, the soccer practices...what I didn't see were the hospitals, the Doctors appointments, the medications and the amount of energy that it would take to raise two children with two very different medical issues.  I know that I am not only a better Mother because of these issues, but I am a better person.  I try and look at my life as a card game (maybe not the best example)...This is the hand that has been given to me and I can either play the game or fold and walk away.  I would never walk away from the life that I have ( I've thought about it at times LOL) my girls have given me more love than anyone could ask for.  As I go through the day to day routine I don't give the "emotions" much is when I am driving to the hospital, driving to and from the Doctors, spending time in the hospital, it is when I open the bills in the mail and have to figure out how I am going to pay for not only the Doctors and hospital bills, but the medications that go along with having a child with a chronic medical condition. 

I have been blessed with the people around me in my life.  They say that "it takes a village to raise a child"...they were not kidding.  I could never do what I do alone.  I would of lost my mind by now that is for sure.  There are times when I need all the help I can get and other times when I can weather the storm alone.  Where would any of us be without the help of others?  Even with all the help that I have had over the past few years, I still feel so much alone at times.  I know that people can say that they know how I feel, and they understand what I am going through, but unless they have walked in my shoes, they really have no idea.  We as people want to be there to support our loved ones no matter what. 

Last week I had to take Jordan to Shriners hospital for her check-up.  We have been going there for the past 15 years for her orthopedic treatment and all of her operations.  I have had so many different emotions with her.  I can remember the day that the Doctors told us that she had Cerebral Palsy...that day was full of so much sadness.  Would she ever be able to walk?  How would she take care of herself when she got older? What am I going to do? How did this happen?  Why is this happening?  I had so many things running through my mind that day.  That seems like yesterday.  Here we are 15 years later and my daughter is not only walking, but she was told that she no longer has to wear her braces on her legs ( AFO's or ankle foot orthotics)!!!  She has worked so hard to get where she is today...all the years of physical therapy that she had to go through and all the operations that she has had to go through.  I know that going through it for me emotionally was very difficult, I can't even begin to think of how hard it was for her.  It is so hard to see your child in pain and there is nothing that you can do to make it any easier for them.  One thing I have never done to either of my kids was treat them differently due to their illnesses.  Don't get me wrong, I feel bad because they are in this situation, but I never what them to feel like someone owes them something just because.  These days my heart just breaks for my Jenna...she has been "sick" for as long as she can remember.  It gets old after a while.  We feel like we take 2 steps forward and 10 back!  I've cried more these past few months than I have in the past few years.  I want her to be happy & healthy and do things that other 12 year old girls do.  How many of you know a child that can start and IV and take the IV out, run the IV pump machine and give orders to the nurses?  I am sure not to many of you (except for all my other JM Moms out there)  I see her sleeping at night and pray that tomorrow will be a better day, that she will feel a little bit better and be able to do a bit more.  She has been on home-bound school since the beginning of the school year.  She went to school one day last week for a half day and it took so much out of her.  She is going to try and go two mornings this week.  All I can do at this point is take things as they come.  I have stressed myself out so much and I know that is not good for my health...easier said then done that is for sure!! LOL 

I just wanted to check back in with everone and fill you in on things that have been going on and how I have been feeling these days.  Thank you to all of you that are there for me, that listen to me on the good days and the bad days.  I will continue to keep you updated on the status of Jenna's condition.  Stay strong!